Tuesday, February 15, 2011


I miss running. However, I know that if I run and I don't have lunch with Chris I will miss that. How do I decide? I want to be thin again. I want my clothes to fit well and to feel good. I don't feel that way right now. I don't want to say I have an eating disorder or a body image disorder, but I think I must. No matter what, I always see something wrong in the mirror. I either think, oh, I'm not so big today, or other times, I'm humongous; neither of which is true. It is so difficult. I think that sometimes, being a girl, makes it much worse. I am supposed to look one way, yet another way, and yet that's not possible. I know that I am in much better physical shape than some people who are smaller than me, yet I just want my size 8's and size 10's to fit well. I want to wear my skirts and dresses and not worry about my legs. I just want to be comfortable. I'm not asking for a lot, and I know it really shouldn't take much, it didn't before. I've got to eat better: more fruits and veggies; less chocolate, cookies, ice cream, etc.

Sometimes I feel like I put so much effort in and gain nothing. I think in my head I'm still upset about the two weeks that I busted my butt, eating well and exercising, and reaped no rewards. It was crushing. Not an ounce. Not one. I wasn't looking for anything astronomical, but I was looking for something, ANYTHING! I don't have the time to cook healthy dinners and go to the gym. I have to do something. I'm sick of it, absolutely sick of it. I don't feel pretty anymore, I don't feel as confident. I want all that back. I want it back so bad. I would give up anything.

Not to mention, I have bad habits that need to go. I need to ditch the Diet Coke. It is not helping me. I need to go with tea or just water. Maybe with some lemon. Or lime or anything other than Diet Coke. I made it to 1 PM today without any, so I can imagine I can probably go longer. I'm trying to get my journey going and I'm trying to get back on track...

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