Find Out Who Your Friends Are?

I have always understood that people will, I think drift is the wrong word, and so is separate, but drift is what I'll use, drift apart as they get older. It makes perfect sense, some go to college; others don't. Some get married young and start families; others work. I just never understood why am I always the person who has to make these friendships work? Were you actually my friend, or did you think you couldn't shake me? After everything I've ever done, you barely can manage a "Happy Birthday" message on facebook, yet you can't call; send a card, even a text message? Are you so self absorbed that nobody matters but you? Does it ever cross your mind what I might be up to? When my grandmother died, did you even think to ask me how I was doing? If I was okay, did I need anyone, even just someone to cry to? If I was upset over something could I even call you to vent, email you, anything? You always say, "we should catch up," "we should hang out," etc., but then you never follow through. I know we all have our lives, and I know we can't chat constantly like high school and college allowed us, but just because I live miles from you, doesn't mean I still don't need a friend. What did I ever do to you? Why did you even "pretend" if that's what it was? I don't know what hurts more, to think that someone was pretending because they felt sorry for me or that someone could just give up on a friendship. I don't even know if I have friends anymore. If I have a bad day I call my mom. I don't even think to call a friend. Thankfully, my sister is back from camp, so I can call her, but how sad is it that I have no friends. Just family. Which is great, don't get me wrong, but I sit here and think, wow it would be great to have a friend again. I think, sometimes, that my sister's friends would help me before my own would. I'm going to my hometown next month, and I'm excited for the week off and some relaxation, but I can't even say I'm going to see my friends. They want me to try, but it doesn't ever seem worth it. I'd rather hang out with my parents. Maybe I am no fun, maybe it is no surprise. I don't really know. All I know is that I want more than just a boyfriend and a family (who doesn't even live near me!).

make new friends, but keep the old...

one is silver, and the other's gold. If only life was so simple as this silly and childish song. I know that as an adult, your friendships from the past and the one's you make in the future evolve in a different way than they did when you were a child. Yet, I see people who have friends at my age and they actually spend time with their friends. I wonder now, with the friends that I once had or still have, who knows at this point, why were they my friends? Out of pity? Did they think they couldn't get rid of me? Did they really even like me? And if they did like me or do like me, why has all that changed? Why does nobody seem to care? I have done my fair share of caring and yet I never get anything in return. I do not like to feel jealous, but sometimes I do. I wish I had a friend to go shopping with; girl talk with; or even so Chris and I can have some friends to hang out with, for something to do. I get jealous that everyone seems to have something and I don't. I know I made a choice to move to San Diego the first time, and then to Maryland, and then back to San Diego, but that doesn't mean I don't deserve some kind of friendship. I feel like I am an afterthought for them, and it doesn't feel good. Eew, what an awful case of the Mondays. :/